Time for catch up!

I can't believe I haven't blogged for so long. So much happens everyday but for some reason it never seems like something anyone would want to read about. I guess I still haven't got this whole "I'm blogging for my benefit" thing down.

So my baby girl turned 17 last Sunday. I'm handling it well. I'm really enjoying the woman she is becoming. I always dreamed what she would be like as a grown woman and I am trying to accept that my dreams for her and not what she wants for herself. It's difficult. I know she could do so much more but ultimately as long as she's happy I need to be happy for her. It's quite a struggle.

I remember the very moment I held her for the first time. My first thought was "This is my child, my responsibility. I need to protect her." I've enjoyed that role. I love protecting my kids. Letting them grow up and fight their own battles has been one of my biggest challenges but I see now that she is ready. She is strong, smart, sensitive. She's ready to take the next step. There's going to be obstacles and she knows that but she's ready. I can't put into words the pride and love I feel when I look at her.

On her birthday (or shortly after) she asked me if I had ever blogged about the day she was born. When I told her I have not she asked that I do that. So for you my lovely child...This is how you came into the world!

June 6, 1992...
I'm at my mother's house as the doctor does not want me to be home alone while dad is working. It's been a long pregnancy with a few scary moments. I started to go into labor at 6 months and had to be put on medication to stop the labor and complete bed rest. Now it seems I'm getting close to the big day and it's best not to be alone for too long. Dad has to work so he takes me to Nana's house. Nana and Auntie Wendy are at a wedding but will be home soon. I lay down on Nana's bed and try to rest. I'm not feeling quite right. I'm not sick, I'm not in pain, I can't understand what I'm feeling but it's just not quite right. I feel my stomach getting really tight every once in awhile. I know from before that these are contractions but for some reason my mind isn't making that connection. I can't understand what it is. It's not painful but just different! So when Nana gets home I try to explain it to her and she wants me to call the Dr. I call and he tells me to go to the hospital just for a check up. I try to reach Dad (this is before the time of cell phones) but I have to leave a message. When we get to the hospital I am checked and find that I have dilated only 2cm! The initial thought is that I will be sent home as labor progresses naturally. They ask me to walk around a bit to see if that makes it progress faster. When they put me back on the bed and try to listen to your heartbeat they are unable to find it. The Dr. is called and he orders an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay. Your dad has arrived by now and we are excited to see you on the screen in front of us! Everything looks good and there is no explanation as to why they were not able to get a heartbeat from you so they ask me to get up and walk again. When I get back in bed they are once again unable to find your heartbeat. I don't remember being scared. I think I was just so excited to see you that I didn't really understand how serious things were. The Dr is called again and he decides to come in himself. When he arrives he explains that he can't understand why they are losing the heartbeat every time I move so he wants me to stay put. If I don't dilate in an hour I will be sent home but with strict orders for total bed rest. It happens that I dilate but only 1/2cm. That's enough for the Dr. He feels with all that is happening I should stay in the hospital overnight and labor is to be enduced at 8am if it has not come naturally by then. Now I'm scared to death! I'm not sure what is going on. It's 3 weeks before my due date. I think I really expected to be sent home, being reassured that you were fine and that you would be arriving soon but not quite yet. I'm crying, partly because I have no idea what to expect from labor and partly because I'm scared that something is wrong. I feel like I've done something wrong. My first test as a mother and I've failed! I can't even manage to be pregnant correctly, how am I ever going to be a mother? I'm given some medicine to help me relax and sleep and Dad is right there telling me it's all going to be okay. I honestly don't know for sure but I think he stayed the whole night in the chair next to my bed!

I will start with the morning of June 7 on my next post... stay tuned sweetheart!