I find I do the most in depth thinking when I'm driving! I love to drive! Anyway, today while driving I was listening to Garth Brooks song "Standing Outside the Fire" and I realized that's totally me. I know I rush into relationships way to fast and I need to work on that but I'd much rather be the person who takes chances than the person who never even tries. It's been hard understanding what happened with Patrick but I'm okay with it finally. I still think he's a total weasel but I did learn from our short relationship. At first when he left I was ready to give on men totally but that's so crazy. I have so much to offer and so much to gain when I find the right one for me.

I'm really amazed at how much my life changes and how quickly it does so. In November I was ready to end my life. Totally on the verge of giving up everything. Even to the point that I explained to my kids what depression is and how much of a struggle it is to live sometimes. Since then my life has completely changed. I will give some credit to the Prozac, but I think I'll take most of the credit. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself I've decided to make some changes and I'm doing it. Day by day life gets easier. The trip to Europe was such a huge thing for me because it made me friendship with Tera real again. It's been so long since we've been able to just hang out and be silly and sometimes I forget how wonderful that is. It makes me miss her even more but it also makes me treasure every moment together in a much deeper, truer way, if that makes sense.

I've been meeting with the Bishop lately and although I'm not 100% sure about being Mormon I do know that his counsel is really helping me with a lot of issues. Last night at our meeting we talked about the pain and suffering we go through and I told him I don't think its fair that children suffer the way they have to. Adults can manage it but the abuse of children really bothers me and I couldn't understand why Heavenly Father would allow this to happen. The Bishop told me that when Jesus was here on earth he suffered everything with such severity so that when we suffer he will be able to have mercy for us. That statement really opened my eyes. I feel a little selfish for being so hung up on the abuse I've suffered when I know that Christ suffered so much more than that just so that 1. we could be forgiven and 2. so he could sympathize and understand our pain.

Tera, here's something for you to ponder. I learned this years ago when I was a very active member of the Church. Those people who are handicapped, to the point that we can't really hold them responsible for their actions (Kaeden) are the ones, who before coming to earth, stood by Christ the most in his battle against Satan. Heavenly Father has inflicted them because he wants to protect them. Since they do not truly have the ability to choose right from wrong they will be guaranteed a place in Heaven with the Savior. I'm not sure if you'll find this as powerful as I do but Kaeden is a very special person. His struggles here are temporary and he will find peace and happiness beyond anything we can imagine!

One last update... I found a place to do my community service! I'll be helping out at the Equestrian Park. No doubt cleaning stables and such but at least I'll be able to get it out of the way and off my mind. I hope to start tomorrow... if you have any extra nose plugs send them my way!!