Love

I know a lot of people think I'm totally insane for making such serious decisions about love so quickly...here's what I have to say.

I know that I love Richard. Maybe it is fast but here's what I see... Richard is an extremely kind person. He came to fix my brakes, never having met me, simply because a friend asked him to. He never expected anything from me in return. Not only did he not expect to get paid but he even offered to buy the new brake pads! He came over the next day to jump start my truck, again knowing there was nothing in it for him. He was kind, shy, polite and yet...fun.

Having spend just about every waking minute with him since we met here's what else I know... He's an awesome dad. He loves his son and tries to make it to every game Steven plays. He's smart, his friends care a lot about him and are there in a minute when he needs them. He is the same way with them. He works hard and yet his job is not the most important thing in his life. He has a strong work ethic but still knows that his family is much more important than any job will ever be. He's honest and quiet and shy and he loves me. Of that I have no doubt. It's not that he tells me so...although he does quite often and it's so good to hear but more so it's in the things he does for and with me. I love how he steals glances when I'm singing in the car and smiles at me! I love how he pays attention to what I like and then does it for me. I love how he appreciates everything I do and never forgets to tell me so. I love how he's such a gentleman and how he treats me like such a lady, even when I'm as grubby as can be! I love the way he talks to my kids and yes, even the way he treats my dog!

I know that I don't know everything about him but I do know that I sincerely look forward to each new day with him and to learning more and more as each year passes.

So for those of you who think I maybe insane all I can say is this: To each his own. Love is what it is... and this... Me and Richard... this is what love is!

Time for catch up!

I can't believe I haven't blogged for so long. So much happens everyday but for some reason it never seems like something anyone would want to read about. I guess I still haven't got this whole "I'm blogging for my benefit" thing down.

So my baby girl turned 17 last Sunday. I'm handling it well. I'm really enjoying the woman she is becoming. I always dreamed what she would be like as a grown woman and I am trying to accept that my dreams for her and not what she wants for herself. It's difficult. I know she could do so much more but ultimately as long as she's happy I need to be happy for her. It's quite a struggle.

I remember the very moment I held her for the first time. My first thought was "This is my child, my responsibility. I need to protect her." I've enjoyed that role. I love protecting my kids. Letting them grow up and fight their own battles has been one of my biggest challenges but I see now that she is ready. She is strong, smart, sensitive. She's ready to take the next step. There's going to be obstacles and she knows that but she's ready. I can't put into words the pride and love I feel when I look at her.

On her birthday (or shortly after) she asked me if I had ever blogged about the day she was born. When I told her I have not she asked that I do that. So for you my lovely child...This is how you came into the world!

June 6, 1992...
I'm at my mother's house as the doctor does not want me to be home alone while dad is working. It's been a long pregnancy with a few scary moments. I started to go into labor at 6 months and had to be put on medication to stop the labor and complete bed rest. Now it seems I'm getting close to the big day and it's best not to be alone for too long. Dad has to work so he takes me to Nana's house. Nana and Auntie Wendy are at a wedding but will be home soon. I lay down on Nana's bed and try to rest. I'm not feeling quite right. I'm not sick, I'm not in pain, I can't understand what I'm feeling but it's just not quite right. I feel my stomach getting really tight every once in awhile. I know from before that these are contractions but for some reason my mind isn't making that connection. I can't understand what it is. It's not painful but just different! So when Nana gets home I try to explain it to her and she wants me to call the Dr. I call and he tells me to go to the hospital just for a check up. I try to reach Dad (this is before the time of cell phones) but I have to leave a message. When we get to the hospital I am checked and find that I have dilated only 2cm! The initial thought is that I will be sent home as labor progresses naturally. They ask me to walk around a bit to see if that makes it progress faster. When they put me back on the bed and try to listen to your heartbeat they are unable to find it. The Dr. is called and he orders an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay. Your dad has arrived by now and we are excited to see you on the screen in front of us! Everything looks good and there is no explanation as to why they were not able to get a heartbeat from you so they ask me to get up and walk again. When I get back in bed they are once again unable to find your heartbeat. I don't remember being scared. I think I was just so excited to see you that I didn't really understand how serious things were. The Dr is called again and he decides to come in himself. When he arrives he explains that he can't understand why they are losing the heartbeat every time I move so he wants me to stay put. If I don't dilate in an hour I will be sent home but with strict orders for total bed rest. It happens that I dilate but only 1/2cm. That's enough for the Dr. He feels with all that is happening I should stay in the hospital overnight and labor is to be enduced at 8am if it has not come naturally by then. Now I'm scared to death! I'm not sure what is going on. It's 3 weeks before my due date. I think I really expected to be sent home, being reassured that you were fine and that you would be arriving soon but not quite yet. I'm crying, partly because I have no idea what to expect from labor and partly because I'm scared that something is wrong. I feel like I've done something wrong. My first test as a mother and I've failed! I can't even manage to be pregnant correctly, how am I ever going to be a mother? I'm given some medicine to help me relax and sleep and Dad is right there telling me it's all going to be okay. I honestly don't know for sure but I think he stayed the whole night in the chair next to my bed!

I will start with the morning of June 7 on my next post... stay tuned sweetheart!

Deadbeat Dad update

So weird thing happened... I never said another word to Michael after yesterday's argument and today out of the blue he sent me a text that he would be over tomorrow evening after work. Very interesting. Did he actually think about what I said? Or is it just guilt? Either way I think Joel is the one who benefits, at least for now anyway... :)

Deadbeat Dads

I'm so angry I'm shaking. I asked Michael to help Joel with a science project. I asked him early last week if he could help and he said he would on the weekend. He never bothered to call or do anything to help on Sat or Sun. I texted him on Monday and he said it was just a crazy weekend and he wasn't able to help because he had so much going on. You know what he had going on? He went to his brother's house on Sat night to "hang out". Why does he get so much credit for being a father to Alex and Joel when he doesn't do JACK SHIT for either of them? Why do they enjoy spending time with him so much? Because he lets them do whatever they want and he doesn't bother them. He lets them come to his house and get on the computer or game station and play the WHOLE time they are there. This is what he calls "being a father". When I ask for help with anything he never has time. Most of the time when they visit his house he doesn't even stay home to see them. He's out working or going shopping. He doesn't play games with them or talk to them or take them anywhere. He simply lets them stay at his house and for this he is rewarded with being called a good dad? People think he is so wonderful because he has stayed in touch with them for so long but when they don't see is that he does NOTHING with them! His response to that? Well, he says, that's what they want to do. YOU COULD TRYING BEING A PARENT FOR A CHANGE AND SAYING NO! Michael, you're as much of a deadbead dad as Curtis and Kenneth are. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Reunion

I was able to talk to my niece today. Erica Lynn. I haven't heard her voice since she was about 6 years old. It was a very short conversation as she has some things to deal with but it was so heartwarming! Her father is my brother who used to hit her mom and was pretty horrible to both his wife and his children. I don't blame Beth (Erica's mom) for wanting to keep them away from Walter. I am just extremely thankful for the Internet as I was able to find them (Erica and Sarah and even Beth's oldest child Alyssa) on myspace and now on facebook!

In our short conversation Erica did mention that her father had also contacted her through facebook and that she hasn't replied to him because she doesn't know what to say to him. I told her I was probably not the best person to give her advice on that subject. I hate him. I have nothing good to say about him and I never will. I guess what he sent to her was a message that stated how sorry he was for not being there for her and all that has happened with her and her sister. I would like to tell Erica to tell him if he's so sorry then he should stop hiding and start paying the $100,000 in child support that he owes her mother! But I didn't. I hope that when we speak again I will have the strength to not sound like a bitter old lady but also have the courage to answer any and all of her questions 100% honestly!

I think I was closer to these girls than anyone else in my family. I lived with them for awhile when I was 18. I played with them everyday. I babysat them often and when I was asked to move out (by my brother) it just about killed me. Once Beth got away from Walter my mother lost contact with her and the girls. I don't know the whole story and with my family as they are I will probably never know the truth. By the time I had Alex I didn't know where the girls were living and I didn't have any contact info for them. I also wasn't sure how Beth would react having someone from Walter's family contact her (although Beth is a very strong woman and I think she would have gladly let me talk to and spend time with the girls) so I just let them lead as normal a life as possible. Looking at their profiles on myspace and facebook I can see they have all done very well! I sincerely look forward to getting to know them all once again and making a connection that will never be broken!

I do wish that I could have this relationship without anyone else in my family interfering. Okay, I'm selfish. I don't want my mother, sister or brother to contact any of the girls. But I can't change that at all. I just hope that they know that I looked them up because I love them and I want to build a friendship with each of them!

So tempting!

I just received an email that says "Click here for $1500.00 directly deposited into your checking account" I'm so tempted but you know it's so not true! Oh you may get $1500 but you'll pay back twice that amount! Still, as I sit here broker than broke I ask myself, should I? I could sure use the money....but isn't this exactly why America is so in debt. People always feeling like they have to live above their means? Let's just charge this or that and enjoy it while we're young. What have we done that we deserve to enjoy such extravagance at such a young age? Our ancestors worked their butts off to have a little bit to put away and in the end they felt good cuz they EARNED what they had! So as tempting as it is to accept an offer like that I'm going to say no. I'm going to work harder and save more and when it's my time to play I am going to enjoy every moment knowing that I made it possible all on my own!!!

Okay, I'll bite...

Time to get it done

I'm actually going to go get my community service done today. I never did go last time I said I was going to. I called the Court to get some information and found out that I was supposed to have my community service done by April 1. I swear I thought I had till May 1. There could be a warrant out for my arrest at anytime so I figured I better get it done today.

Easter Sunday came and went without a single call from anyone in my family. I guess I should be used to this by now but I'm really not. It still makes me sad. I wonder if anyone I'm related to even thinks about me at all.

I'm feeling quite lonely. I realized how lonely my life is when I came home from Europe. I really don't have any friends. It's hard to explain. I have people that I know and call friends but the reality is if I don't stay in touch with them they would never call me. So it's really just a one way thing. It gets really old really fast.

I guess I better just log off today cuz this talk isn't going to make me feel any better. I hope my day brightens and I can once again find a balance in my life that makes me a little happier.

Family

I haven't spoken to my mother since October 2008. I noticed that she has a facebook page so I requested her to be my friend. She accepted but still has not even asked me how I'm doing or anything. I'm so disgusted with my family. Not one of them is worth a minute of my time if you ask me. I can't understand what makes them think they are so much better than me. I should never have added her to my page anyway. My sister is no better. She never bothers to call or see how I am doing. She knows that I have had a hard time and that I was really suffering around Christmas time but she never even bothered to call me for the holidays. Well, today I say screw you all... every one of you. You can live in your stupid make believe world where you tell yourselves that everyone else is wrong. I am better off without you. I don't understand how it is that we could all be related anyway, I am so much different than any of you. I know my mother has lied to me about who my real father is. There's no way I am related to Henry Matteau. I can tell how much he hates me and always has. Everything is so convienent isn't it Marilyn? All your little answers to everything? I was a 10 month baby? YEAH RIGHT! You should tell me who my real father is. I have a right to know. I'm sure he's a much more wonderful person than you and Henry are. I'm sure you couldn't hold on to him because of your selfishness. I wonder if he even knows I exist.

I find I do the most in depth thinking when I'm driving! I love to drive! Anyway, today while driving I was listening to Garth Brooks song "Standing Outside the Fire" and I realized that's totally me. I know I rush into relationships way to fast and I need to work on that but I'd much rather be the person who takes chances than the person who never even tries. It's been hard understanding what happened with Patrick but I'm okay with it finally. I still think he's a total weasel but I did learn from our short relationship. At first when he left I was ready to give on men totally but that's so crazy. I have so much to offer and so much to gain when I find the right one for me.

I'm really amazed at how much my life changes and how quickly it does so. In November I was ready to end my life. Totally on the verge of giving up everything. Even to the point that I explained to my kids what depression is and how much of a struggle it is to live sometimes. Since then my life has completely changed. I will give some credit to the Prozac, but I think I'll take most of the credit. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself I've decided to make some changes and I'm doing it. Day by day life gets easier. The trip to Europe was such a huge thing for me because it made me friendship with Tera real again. It's been so long since we've been able to just hang out and be silly and sometimes I forget how wonderful that is. It makes me miss her even more but it also makes me treasure every moment together in a much deeper, truer way, if that makes sense.

I've been meeting with the Bishop lately and although I'm not 100% sure about being Mormon I do know that his counsel is really helping me with a lot of issues. Last night at our meeting we talked about the pain and suffering we go through and I told him I don't think its fair that children suffer the way they have to. Adults can manage it but the abuse of children really bothers me and I couldn't understand why Heavenly Father would allow this to happen. The Bishop told me that when Jesus was here on earth he suffered everything with such severity so that when we suffer he will be able to have mercy for us. That statement really opened my eyes. I feel a little selfish for being so hung up on the abuse I've suffered when I know that Christ suffered so much more than that just so that 1. we could be forgiven and 2. so he could sympathize and understand our pain.

Tera, here's something for you to ponder. I learned this years ago when I was a very active member of the Church. Those people who are handicapped, to the point that we can't really hold them responsible for their actions (Kaeden) are the ones, who before coming to earth, stood by Christ the most in his battle against Satan. Heavenly Father has inflicted them because he wants to protect them. Since they do not truly have the ability to choose right from wrong they will be guaranteed a place in Heaven with the Savior. I'm not sure if you'll find this as powerful as I do but Kaeden is a very special person. His struggles here are temporary and he will find peace and happiness beyond anything we can imagine!

One last update... I found a place to do my community service! I'll be helping out at the Equestrian Park. No doubt cleaning stables and such but at least I'll be able to get it out of the way and off my mind. I hope to start tomorrow... if you have any extra nose plugs send them my way!!

Family Guy

So my teenage son is watching Family Guy. I hate it. After watching a few shows I find it extremely inappropriate! When I tell him I don't want him watching it he starts fighting with me. I feel like its my fault, I shouldn't have let him watch it for this long... but just wait cuz tomorrow I'll password protect it and that'll be that! LOL... oh, the evil scheming begins! :) Sometimes being a mom is so fun!

Community Service

So I have to serve 7 hours of community service for letting someone drive my car who wasn't licensed. Well, of course he told me he had a license but according to UT laws it's MY responsibility to be sure that the license he provided is actually a valid license... stupid! I'm not really mad about doing community service. It'll be good for and maybe I'll learn something new, find some new compassion or meet some new friends. What's frustrating is that no one seems to want my help. I've called the Bishop's Storehouse, The VA Hospital, The Road Home, The Woman's Shelter, and the Utah Humane Society and they all say they don't accept community service. In all fairness, the VA Hospital is going to see if they can bend the rules since it's just a traffic violation so I hope to hear something from them in a couple hours. This is so frustrating tho. The Court issues community service but gives you no clue how to accomplish it. All they say is that it has to be for a "non profit" organization. I know when people hear that I have to do community service they are thinking I'm some kind of crazed criminal and why would they want that kind of person around! So I continue on my quest feeling like a complete heel... wish me luck!

Thoughts...

I didn't realize blogging was so difficult! I have so many thoughts going through my mind and I'd love to start jotting them down but it's hard to get them from my head to this page. I'm going to give it a try anyway. Today I'm thinking a lot about friendships. There are many people that I call my friend but very few that I am at all close to. My very best friend is Tera and she lives in Belgium. I was very sad when she first moved to Europe and was also convinced that our friendship would not last. We had been through a lot together in the few short years we'd known each other before she left but with the distance I couldn't imagine us staying too close. She's been there 9 years now and we are closer than ever! She is the first person I think of when I have exciting news to share or when I have a rough day. The distance has not effected us at all. If anything it has made me appreciate her even more. I have always said that she is the strongest woman I know and she really is. I just got home after spending 10 WONDERFUL days with her, which by the way, is the most time we have spent together in 9 years, and she truly amazed me again. When I met Tera she was a single mother attending college. Her son was sick all the time and in the hospital several times a year and through it all she was the best mom I've ever known and she had a 4.0! That's where my admiration for her began. She is creative, funny, outgoing, and like I said the best mom in the world!

When she met her husband and she decided to move to Europe, I was heartbroken and angry. I was happy she had found someone but I couldn't understand why he couldn't move here, why did she have to give up her Country, her life? Through the years we have seen each other as often as possible (which was not much but usually once a year) and I have been so happy for her as she is so happy with her life. I admired her courage to move to a new country, learn a new language and a very different way of life but until I still couldn't understand why she didn't come home. Once I went there myself and spent time with her I realized just how difficult the transition must have been for her. As always, she made it look easy tho! I suppose when you have the love of someone special like she does it would be easier. I'm so happy for her and I admire her so much more now. Living in Europe has been a blessing for her. She has found what I never believed in. True love. Love that last forever, no matter what. She has a beautiful family and even through her challenges, and believe me she has plenty, she stays strong. She is my inspiration. I'm sorry if this sounds totally corny but it is how I feel. When I am with her, or when she calls or emails me or whatever it is, I feel so unbelievably blessed to have her in my life. I'm SO LUCKY to have someone like her to look up to, to share my feelings with, to laugh with and certainly to cry with. Thank you Tera for this wonderful gift of friendship that you have given and continue to give me everyday for without it I would not be whole.